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God Sees the Woman Walking Through Infertility

God Sees the Woman Walking Through Infertility

I held the pregnancy test in my hand and examined it closely. Could there be a faint line? Oh Lord, please let there be a faint line. There wasn’t. It was negative. No baby had taken root in my womb and those supposed symptoms proved to be simply taunting me, giving me false hope that life had begun to flourish where I’d only seen it die.

The day before, my best friend had announced that she was finally pregnant. As I genuinely rejoiced over the little one in her womb, I took my place as the only woman in my church without living children. This negative pregnancy test nearly broke me.

Infertility

I tread lightly in taking upon myself the term “infertile.” Not because of the shame sometimes attached to it, but because there’s a different set of painful circumstances that a woman struggling to conceive faces. I don’t claim to understand that deep pain.…

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Wrestling By Faith

Wrestling By Faith

I’ve found wrestling with God to be a common occurrence in this season of life. My faith often feels frail as I hope each month for new life to begin in my womb, only to look upon a negative pregnancy test.

God continues to show me my utter lack of control over the conceiving and sustaining of life. He has so clearly derailed our plans as of late. From sickness to imprecise cycles, he’s slowly pulling my fingers back, one by one, from their death clutch on my fertility. I make my plans; he changes them, leaving me swimming in chaos, scanning the world for a way out or a quick fix to my problem. But the world’s answers return void every time.

A Burden That Isn’t Mine

It does feel chaotic to believe life is in my hands. When I begin to live life this way, I think things like…

If I make sure I don’t exercise too much…
If I drink less coffee…
If I take my progesterone at the perfect time…

then, maybe my body won’t fail me.…

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Truth for When Life Seems Unfair

Truth for When Life Seems Unfair

“This just isn’t fair. Why is this happening to me?”

Have those words ever sprung forth from your mouth? You stand, facing a painful trial or ongoing hardship, and suddenly you feel as if you drew the short stick in life. Maybe the hand you were dealt by the dealer wasn’t exactly a righteous deal in your opinion?

As a girl who experienced the severity of this broken world from an early age and throughout my adult life through abuse, abandonment, poverty, and most recently, multiple miscarriages, I understand the temptation to feel like life is unfair.

Truly, for the Christian, life is unfair…but not in the way we think.

You Don’t Want “Fair”

Over the last several months, I have had my fair share (pun intended) of questioning the “fairness” of my lot in life. It’s easy to look at the unappreciative people who receive what we long for and feel resentment.…

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Looking Toward a New Due Date

Looking Toward a New Due Date

January 16th 2018.

The day our first child was due to enter the world. I realize it’s just an estimated date and they’re rarely correct, but it’s one I’ll never forget.

I’m not naive enough to expect that today would be remembered by anyone other than me. Even my husband had to be reminded. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but a due date simply isn’t ingrained into his mind. But due dates echo in the heart of a mother from the moment they’re spoken.

I’ve dreaded this week since June, not knowing what it would hold. I wondered if I’d walk into it with a womb still lacking fruit, or maybe I’d have a bump beginning to show. Little did I know, my “rainbow baby” would come and go before now, leaving me with two storms. But God has met me here today, reminding me that his goodness is triumphant and always shines through.…

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The Baby Given to the Mom Who Miscarried

The Baby Given to the Mom Who Miscarried

Many women are headed into Christmas with deep sorrow in their hearts. Some of us have arms that remain empty and others have arms less full than expected. I should be 8 months pregnant but the reality is, I just lost our second unborn child this year less than 2 months ago. I have a dear friend who was expecting a Christmas baby, but will not be meeting that sweet little, until heaven.

As choirs sing “Joy to the world!” our worlds sometimes feel crushed. But the reality is, our weariness has been interrupted by a thrill of hope–a reason for rejoicing.

Hope Between the Lines

This holiday season could very well be my most present yet. In this season of waiting, longing and mourning, my eyes are wide open. As they scan rooms and social media feeds, I’m faced with the many painful reminders of the loss of my two babies.…

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Even Now We Will Praise Him: The Story of the Children We Lost

Even Now We Will Praise Him: The Story of the Children We Lost

Not many women feel led to share the details of their miscarriages. But as I look back on these last few months, I can’t help but share when I see all that God has done. My desire is that it would shine a light on God’s goodness in our suffering and the reality of miscarriage. I also pray that God would use my words to equip women to help their friends and family who may experience pregnancy loss.


I’ll never forget all the emotions I felt that morning. I had already taken a test on Mother’s Day and saw a faint line but wrote it off as defective. But here I stood, 5 days late holding another pregnancy test. I set it down and declared not to look at it until the full 2 minutes had passed.

I paced in the living room as I waited. Would I be excited or pass out in terror of the road ahead?…

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