I called my boyfriend over and over again until he finally picked up by accident.
At first, I wasn’t sure what I was hearing. Just muffled voices stuffed in his pocket.
Then I heard her voice saying, “Did she hear us?!” followed by a quick disconnect.
My whole body went numb and my heart beat so fast I was instantly nauseous. Breathing became nearly impossible and shock was like a physical barrier to the tears that begged to flow.
He’s cheating on me.
Never Enough
I’d spent that evening working as a model, posing while my photograph was taken. I felt “sexy” and wanted. The culture told me this was who I needed to become in order to be fully desired by men. If I couldn’t stop my boyfriend from looking at porn, I needed to join him by dressing, acting and looking like one of those women. I was a model, surely I was enough for him now.
No, at that moment, when I heard her voice, it was crystal clear that I indeed was not enough.
I had given him everything. I had become anyone he desired. I did my best to conform to whatever image it was that he craved. And I still wasn’t enough.
No matter how I morphed and changed, I would never be enough.
Idolizing Enough
And I’m not supposed to be.
I was not made to satisfy every longing of any man. Likewise, a man is not supposed to quench all my longings.
The reason I wasn’t enough was because humans were never created to be enough for other humans. If we find our all in another person, we most definitely have a wrong view of their importance. We have placed them in the place that only God should inhabit.
A willingness to forsake our true identity as daughters of God to become an image our boyfriend requests, is a sure sign of idolatry.
Even in marriage, we are often tempted to want to become our husband’s entire world. We’d rather he spend time with us than time with God. We want to captivate his mind. If we loved him in the true sense of the word, we would long for him to become closer with the Lord and for his thoughts to be captured by Christ.
Masked as insecurity, truly it’s pride that drives this desire to be all a man needs. You can trace it back to the fall where Eve first received the consequence of her sin.
“Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16b ESV)
There are many aspects of this curse which all women have received. One of them being a desire to control men, especially our husbands. If we are enough for them; if we captivate their thoughts fully, we are in control of them.
Stated bluntly, we want to be their God.
And in this endeavor, they become ours.
Seek the True God
When we put anything in the place of God in our lives, whether it’s men, things or our own desire for omnipotence, there will be destruction and pain.
I have to wonder if the night I was cheated on would have happened had I been a believing woman, seeking after God. Would I have made myself an object of lust that night? Would I have spent all that time to become a woman of the world for that guy? Would I have even been dating him?
Probably not. Had my eyes been opened to the beauty and truth of God found in his Word, my life would have looked strikingly different. Like it thankfully does today.
This is why I share the darkness of my life before Christ. Because there are women roaming the earth whose identities are wrapped up in men. They worship how they make them feel and the attention they receive from them. They want to be every woman to them. And if not stopped in their tracks, this idol will destroy their souls.
Let my life be an example to you of not only where sin can lead, but also what grace can restore.
Our God is the only God. He alone is worthy of our undivided worship. Your life; your identity is hidden in Christ, not in men or anything else (Colossians 3:3).
For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God. (Psalm 86:10 ESV)
One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. (Psalm 27:4 ESV)
21 Responses
So glad I read a few of your blogs!!
Thank you for reading! That is so encouraging!
Oh, friend this is SO good!! So needed! I love these words and the truth and encouragement. I lived this same way until I God spoke to my heart about my value in Him. I wish I could just shake some women (and men) when I see them living the way I did! Thank you for writing this and for being vulnerable to help other women.
Thank you so much! I know! I really feel like God has called me to chase after those who are headed down the path I previously walked. He has so much more for us than what that way of life claims to offer! Thankful to meet sweet women like your who have the same goal.
This is SO BEAUTIFUL!! Thank you for sharing your own personal experience of your life before Christ. What an amazing life He provides for us when we put HIM first!
Thank you friend. You are so right! And we are so undeserving of his grace!
Woah, this was amazing! Thank you so much for the encouragement to know who we are in Christ! His standard for us is so much better!
Thank you!! So true!
I love your honesty. Honestly. 🙂 We need more of that! I’ve definitely been there and had to learn the hard way that I was not and was never going to be enough for that guy. It reminds me of that movie, “He’s just not that into you”. Sadly, it’s something we need to hear. The missing piece of that puzzle is that God, IS, that into us! He loves us so much more than any man (Even an awesome husband) can. And that’s pretty special.
Yes yes yes!!! Totally agree.
Everything I read from your blog is so inspiring and encouraging! What you write is really a blessing for me and it changed my perspective. Thank you very much! Keep writing! 🙂
Wow! Those are such kind words. Thank you so much!
Brittany, I want to encourage you with your writing… I’ve only just stumbled upon your blog today and am left wishing we could talk all day!
“Stated bluntly, we want to be their God.
And in this endeavor, they become ours.”
This quote couldn’t reign any truer in my life. I’ve been saved for 15 years, and still have fallen for one of Satan’s easiest traps for women! I’ve been married for six years and haven’t figured out how to escape this trap, quite honestly. How does one go about changing their distorted view of sex? I am always stuck thinking it is all about pleasing my husband, which sounds selfless, when in reality it’s because I get such a boost of pride thinking that I win the sexiest woman award. I don’t know how to take this thought captive and just enjoy intimacy. My husband knows this struggle and wants to do anything he can to help.
Wisdom?
You are so sweet! I wish I could meet you for coffee!
First, I have been there. And while it’s totally okay to want to be sexy for your husband (and even to feel sexy for him), we do have to be careful not to let us become prideful. My first advice would be to find a godly woman in your church who you can trust to walk through these questions. If you feel you don’t have someone you could talk to, pray for God to bring a woman into your life who can do life with you personally. It’s so good that you’ve talked to your husband because communication about sex is so important!
There is an ebook that just came out today called Christian Cosmo and it may be a good resource for you. The author does a fantastic job at showing how the Gospel should shape our sexuality as Christian women. Check it out at http://phyliciadelta.com/sex-talk-never/
Thank you for reading and reaching out!!<3
Hi. Thank you so much for your blog I just came across it through a picture on pinterest . Its really lovely and encouraging. Keep doing what god has called you for its reaching out to places you might have not even dreamed about.
Love
Sister in Christ ( from South Africa)
Thank you so much for reading!! 🙂
I’m confused and need your help. I might sound like an atheist but I’m not. I just don’t believe in god nor do I believe in there’s no god. I’m somewhere in between.
I’m going through narcissistic triangulation from my partner for the last 9 months to 3 years. I’m fed up of feeling I’m not good enough for my boyfriend because he keeps staring at other women all the time. I mean all the time. Since he’s a narcissist, he’s always scanning the place around him for another potential supply he can bank on. This makes me feel insecure and feel not safe to be with a man who is always looking for other women to replace me or at least to think about approaching them in some minor way in his mind as he’s scanning for such women.
I read two articles. One of the articles I read was yours and other article talked about how and why I won’t be enough for someone because they aren’t looking for the same things I’m looking for. In other words, my partner isn’t ready for the same level of commitment as me therefore, it makes him not be on the same page as me. This in return makes me feel not good enough for him.
However, when it comes to your article, it talks about how i will never be enough for my boyfriend/husband because human beings are never meant to be enough for another. Being enough for another human being means to expect them to fulfill your expectations while you fulfill theirs and any fool knows you can never fulfill each and every expectations of another individual on this earth. Since I don’t really know if god exists and if I apply your article’s description onto my situation, it tells me that my boyfriend is searching for someone who will fulfill every expectation of his(be enough for him in his eyes). And since my Boyfriend doesn’t think I’m enough, I’m also searching for a man who will fulfill my expectations(be enough for me in my eyes) and the potential man I’m searching for is also looking for a woman who will fulfill his set of expectations(so he can consider her enough for him). This tells me, we are all searching for someone to be enough for us(fulfill each and every expectations of ours).
Now the part where I get confused is, if we all are always searching for someone to fulfill our expectations but none of us have found a perfect person for us as we desire then who are we exactly searching for? And if not who, what are we all really searching for that will make us feel good enough as we are?
Please don’t tell me it’s god. I haven’t had it in my experience to believe in its presence just yet.
Very true. But I remember last year I was dating someone and it was like I wasn’t enough I don’t know if your ambitious enough I don’t know if you stand up for yourself enough.
While I don’t want to be everything to a guy I do want someone who I am enough for just me who accepts me for me.
For the record I don’t think any guy is going to be perfect and no one can be Christ for you.