As the fog of grief slowly begins to lift after the loss of our unborn child, I’ve finally had a chance to think through the thoughts that have circulated in my mind for months. The more clearly I see, the more urgency I feel for women to truly understand what happens in the throes of miscarriage.
Prior to experiencing this loss, I had believed many lies regarding it. And as I speak with women around me I see evidence that I’m not the only one.
With 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, it’s imperative that Christian women become educated regarding this heartbreaking topic.
Women need to be equipped to help those suffering miscarriage. Sooner or later, there will be a woman in your life affected by the death of their baby in the womb, and as the Body of Christ, we must know how to bear their burden with them.
1. Women who suffer miscarriage are mourning a real loss.
Before the loss of our baby, I believed miscarriage was sad. What I didn’t know, was that women who have an early pregnancy loss are mourning more than a dream of motherhood or having more children. Sure, we were hopeful for those things, and for a time it feels as if our hope is crushed, but we are mourning the loss of a real life–an image bearer of God.
There are few words to explain how it feels to miss someone you’ve never met and to love so deeply a child you’ve never held. For mommas, the attachment to our children grows more with each day and change in our body. There is formed an automatic bond from the moment we see that first positive, positively reminding us life is blooming within our womb.
The life of a child, known and loved by God. Our child.
The child we lost.
This is why the common response, “You’ll have another baby.” is not helpful and at times hurtful. When a person has a stillborn child or loses an infant, you don’t hear these words offered up. So, why do we jump to this conclusion with women who have miscarried?
All life is precious, and another baby will be a blessing, but will not replace the one who was lost, nor will it take away the pain of that loss. Babies don’t heal our hearts–Jesus does.
Furthermore, while many women go on to have healthy pregnancies, many do not. Some women wrestle with more miscarriages, infertility or a mix of both. We don’t know what the Lord has planned for each woman and we lack the authority to declare they will have more children.
Because mommas who have miscarried are experiencing real loss, we should also refrain from comparing their pain to that of women who struggle with infertility. These two trials are very different. One is a loss, the other is never receiving. And both are extremely painful. Because of the striking differences, there is no use in comparing the two.
Statements like, “At least you could get pregnant. Think of so and so.” strike the hearts of women who’ve lost children in the womb and make them feel as if they should be glad for the death of their baby. It also hushes them from speaking up about the deep grief they are walking through.
2. Not all miscarriages are the same.
There are so many misconceptions about what happens in a woman’s body physically during miscarriage. This is because not all miscarriages are the same, and they all have a different set of hard circumstances which come along with them.
Many women experience what is called a “missed miscarriage.” This is when the baby has died but the woman’s body has not recognized it. Many times, the woman goes into her normal appointment, only to leave with her life changed. It is shocking as there was no sign. In this case, the woman has a few options. She can either wait a few more days to allow her body to recognize the loss, take medicine to cause her body to move the process along or have a D&C.
A D&C is typically the route women will take, and while they bypass the physical pain of a natural miscarriage, they are still left with the emotional stress of having their baby suctioned from their womb in the very same way many babies are aborted. As you can imagine, this would be a very hard thing to face and would bring up many emotions.
On the other hand, there are women who miscarry naturally or with the help of medicine. If the pregnancy is very early (3-5 weeks), the woman will most likely experience the symptoms of a heavy period.
But for those who miscarry in the weeks following, the physical pain increases tremendously. This is the case I can speak most clearly to, as this was my experience. Most people are clueless regarding the horrific physical symptoms for women who miscarry naturally, as was I.
If a woman miscarries between weeks 6-later, the pain is likened to labor. The contractions are almost unbearable, the scene is nauseating and the emotional pain is traumatizing. If I explained to you all I witnessed in the days I suffered the loss of our baby, you would be horrified. Many of us labor our tiny, lifeless babies and hold them in the palm of our hand.
This only scratches the surface of what happens to many women who experience death in their womb. I speak of these things because in order to help our dear friends who may go through this, we need to know what is happening to them. Only then can we begin to empathize with their pain and think of ways to practically bear their burden.
3. The physical and emotional turmoil knows no timeline.
Many believe the physical side of a miscarriage vanishes within a week. But this isn’t always the case. I labored our unborn baby for four days. Four days of intense pain. Some women have less physical pain, some have it worse, ending up in the ER due to blood loss.
During this time of great physical and emotional turmoil, your friend needs you. She needs your prayer, your encouragement and even your physical presence. I am so thankful for the women close to me who truly bore my burden with me. But I know many women go it alone.
Furthermore, there are many things which occur following this loss and they take their toll on a grieving mom. More Dr appointments, ultrasounds and blood tests. More phone calls, baby bellies, pregnancy announcements and that loathed first period. All of these, being reminders of what was lost. Some women go on to have a D&C on top of miscarrying naturally, due to residing tissue with infectious potential.
Even the baby clothes at Target, or a nursery picture on Pinterest can deepen the pain.
We must learn that the grief is real and often long lasting. Knowing this truth will give us cause not to make claims regarding when someone should be “over it.” They will have good days and really really hard days. Sometimes the pain will fall afresh after many weeks of somewhat normalcy.
Someone who has miscarried a child and knows a valuable little life existed in their womb, will never stop missing that baby; they will never be completely “over it.”
We would do well, as Christ following women, to remember this, and remember the loss many women near us are bearing.
Burden Bearing Women
Ya’ll, God has called us to bear all burdens of the ladies near us–even the ones we don’t quite understand, and even the ones we feel most uncomfortable with.
Jesus entered our pain and we can all agree it wasn’t comfortable for him in the least. Even so, he stepped in and took our burden upon himself. (1 Peter 2:24).
Here we have a chance to follow in his footsteps by picking up the burden women who miscarry are carrying.
Let’s be Christ following women; let’s be burden bearing women.
26 Responses
Thank you ♡
Of course. <3
Of course. <3
Thank you for sharing this, it can’t have been easy. I am glad to be more aware now, especially as a friend to someone who has recently had a miscarriage, I wasn’t properly aware of what it can be like. God bless!
I’m so glad it was helpful to you!
I needed this more than you know. I’ve never been so heart broken. But I know God has a plan.
Thank you for this timely article…the Lord knew I needed this. (Of all times and things to pop up on my Pinterest feed…) This really has been perfect, as I just miscarried a week ago…it is so heart wrenching, and I’ve realized I’ve believed the lie “just get over it.” Now that I’m here…it comes in waves…ugh…yet I want to embrace the grieving for my baby I know I’ll see again face to face in heaven. But I miss him So, so much!
Oh how I empathize with you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. Thankful for God’s perfect timing in leading you to exactly what you needed when you needed it.
Thank you for this. My heart is heavy from my pregnancy loss and it’s what I needed.
Hi Brittany, thank you for sharing! My wife and I were shocked as well when her midwife told us the staggering statistic of 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages.
I’m curious about your husband’s perspective on your loss of your baby. We as men want to support you through the process as well as manage our own grief, while managing our job, while trying not to look like wimps when we are dealing with obvious hurt.
Thanks!
Just under eleven weeks and found out at my ultrasound yesterday my baby no longer has a heartbeat and did not grow beyond 6.5 weeks.
Feeling helpless and beyond heartbroken, I find comfort in your words.
Many blessings to you, Brittany.
I recently lost my son at 16 weeks and 5 days. I went to a routine appt and no heartbeat could be found. I’ve never known physical/emotional/spiritual pain like this before. I feel like a huge piece of me is missing and my perspective of the world has changed completely. It hurts feeling like I’m the only one mourning the loss of our child as my husband is not expressive of his feelings or if he even cares. My question now is “where do I go from here?” I want another baby but getting pregnant took IVF and now I’m afraid I’ll be afraid my entire pregnancy if I was to get pregnant again. Please pray for me. Thank you for your eloquent and heartfelt articles.
Thank you for this. My husband and I miscarried at 9 weeks and 3 days and I had no idea that it was happening, as I thought it was fibroid pain. Our baby had a strong healthy heartbeat two days prior to the miscarriage. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this too.. …
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. May the Lord sustain you both during this sorrowful time.
I started miscarrying naturally at around 11-12 weeks. Went to A&E bleeding and had scans and they said he stopped growing around 7 weeks. I had had a scan at around 7 weeks and we both saw him, she had said he was small and a slow heartbeat but did not seem concerned at all. So up until a few days ago i thought all was going well. I went home to tell my parents the good news as I was just about 12 weeks and then started labour. Passed out from huge loss of blood and pain. It was a labour with contractions. Went on for a few days in total. Main labour several hours. My mum stood outside the door feeling helpless. I was determined not to let her call an ambulance as I wanted to keep all the contents of my womb for proper burial. He has an eternal soul. And i could deal with it ‘just being nature’, but as his mother i completely blame myself that it was because me and my husband had an argument around 7 weeks. We were both in shock about the pregnancy and we argued and i went walking off and i am worried that stress was what caused it. Or something else I did. Or that we are not meant to be. The worst thing is not knowing or not ever knowing why it happened. Please pray for his soul. I don’t know for sure he was a boy but I always believed it. And i now don’t feel like i deserve to get pregnant again because I ruined it.
My heart is breaking for you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please know that this is not your fault. God numbers our days. Praying that you would cling to Jesus during this difficult time. He will carry you through.
I am so blessed to have come across your blog. As i read your post it is like you are speaking the language of my heart and i am so encouraged. I have struggled with Infertility, PCOS, and most recently the loss of our unborn baby. This can be such a lonely road to travel. I am so thankful for blogs like this and women like you who use your grief and pain to comfort and educate others.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced and the loss of your baby. I’m praising God that he has allowed my words to encourage you.
Good day. I got back from the doctors office a few hours ago. I had not experienced any bleeding or cramps but a off coloured diacharge as I wiped. I felt something was not right and decided to go to the
ERU. They did a routine check but could not find anything. Jade an emergency u/ s this morning. I’m supposed to be 10 weeks along. The u/a shows babies heart beat stopped at 8 weeks. I’m so confused and hurt. I had an u/a 2 weeks ago and everything was perfect, a string heartbeat. I’m failing to u understand what went wrong between then and now. I still experienced the same symptoms perhaps some had declined a bit. Tummy is hard and rounded, however I’ve been suffering a week of constipation. Sorry if I’m being graphic. Doctor prescribed medication for when I do decide to expel the baby from my system. It’s what I prefer to a d&c. This would be my second missed miscarriage after two years. I currently have no children. What I need help with is, should I take the medication, is this Gods will? What is theres a possibility that I kill my baby. Why do I still feel pregnant if the baby died 2 weeks ago. So many questions but no answers. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Is this acceptable by God. Please pray for myself and husband during this time of grief.
Thank you for writing about this. For some reason, I’m searching for answers to the why of miscarriages I had many years ago. I was very fortunate to eventually have a healthy son who is grown now. My question is, who were those babies? Where are they now? Who were they to God? When you lose a child very early, you may not even have known you were pregnant. I wish I could ask God if that was a life to Him or just the potential for life. I have a feeling that most of my questions are unanswerable but I would still like to know how you see it.
Thank you. I have felt guilty for over 10 years now because I opted to have a d&c to remove my undeveloped dead baby. I also felt guilty for choosing to have a pill to speed up the miscarriage of another pregnancy after holding on, having more scans and hoping the baby would live only to be told it was dead. I thought that maybe God was testing me and that I should have had more faith. I’ve felt tormented that I inadvertently killed those babies for opting to have medical intervention. I’ve had two missed abortions that both lasted six months each despite neither embryo developing beyond 6 weeks and those months were unbarable. I was very young, I married at 29. I had another natural miscarriage at 8 weeks and I have two boys who are 8 and 10. Reading your post has helped me to come to terms with those difficult experiences. I hope i can meet my other 3 children in heaven one day.
Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully Brittany.
After 5 miscarriages and 2 incredible kids “who made it!” I’m writing a book on the experience of Waiting to Miscarry and would love to quote you in my book.
Your writing is so vivid and heartfelt.
I’m also praying for those women whose comments I’ve just read and please be assured that your babies are with God in heaven. I’ve had visions of mine. I know their names. You will hold your babies in heaven. They’re not lost forever. Love to you all!
Thank you for this article. I miscarried 4 days ago and am dealing with so many emotions and feelings that I didn’t think were possible. Every cramp every tinge is a reminder of what was lost. Trying to remind myself that our baby is in heaven with the Lord. The thought of going through this pain again is unbearable but we want children and pray that our Lord Jesus shows us what to do. Love to all the women and their Husbands that are going though this painful time.
Thank you so much and God bless you. This is helping me as I’m currently miscarrying.
This article is still helping people. 💕 I miscarried a week ago with our first pregnancy. Thank you.