Dear Lord,
I’m unsure of how to express all that I feel, but I know you see all that resides within my heart. You see my longings and my fears, my gratitude and my restlessness. Within my heart are the questions to which you alone have the answers. Will you allow our third baby to grow? How long will this baby live? Can I emotionally survive another loss, if you so choose? You know, Lord. And that has to be enough for me. Please, help my heart to rest in you—the Creator and Sustainer of life.
Creator. You are the God who created all things. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for opening my womb and creating life again where death has reigned. I praise you for this tiny life I already love so much, despite my honest and shameful efforts to not grow attached. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of carrying this baby for however many days you have already decided.
Sustainer. Yes, that’s who you are. All things hold together in you. No life can continue without your hand making it so. So Father, I pray that you would sustain the life of our baby. I’ve been here before, begging with a tearful face, buried in the carpet. And I’ve witnessed your gentle “no.” I recognize you are sovereign, wise, and good, and you will only choose the absolute best path for our lives. I trust you. Because this baby is a gift and every gift comes from above, I realize that I am but a steward. I have no claim on this baby. I cannot move your hand with my “righteousness” or my “faithfulness.” or lack thereof. Your plan is fixed. And that is a beautiful truth to cling to in the face of fear.
Lord, I’ve seen so much good come from the heartache of losing our first two unborn children. You’ve drawn me near and used my story in the lives of women across the world. I can’t fathom your ways and your goodness. So though I pray that this baby’s life will flourish in my womb and beyond, I also submit to your good will. Father, if it glorifies you the most and brings about the most good, you can have this baby. Who am I to say you can have what’s already yours? I know. I recognize how utterly ridiculous that statement sounds. But I voice it to display my submission to whatever you choose. I say it to myself moment after moment to remind my hands to stay open—to cling to the Giver and not the gift.
If you choose to give and take away again, I only ask that you hold me fast. Keep me close. Please guard my heart from bitterness, isolation, anger, and depression. I have no strength within my own heart to walk further into the dark season we’ve been facing. Only through your strength can I prove faithful. I know and I trust you’ll meet us there if you take us there.
In the meantime, help me to rejoice over this little one each day. Help me to remain thankful. Help me to trust you with each step.
Lord, I need you. Every hour I need you.
In Jesus name, Amen.
7 Responses
Oh sweet friend what another precious gift Jesus has given you. Praying for you as you walk with this new life inside you, rejoicing with you in the kindness of the Lord, praising the Lord for his sovereign plan, and ever grateful that Jesus goes with us into the unknown. You are so loved Brittany. Expectant for you guys as you cherish all the moments and emotions.
Hi Brittany,
I too am a mom of two unborn children, and I have not been blessed with living children yet. I hear what you’ve prayed for here and I pray for the same things often… There’s nothing I can tell you that you don’t already know. It’s a grace of God that you can still be fighting to hold onto hope and to keep believing in the perfect goodness of God. I’ll try to remember to pray for you whenever I pray for those things.
” I say it to myself moment after moment to remind my hands to stay open—to cling to the Giver and not the gift.” These are beautiful and encouraging words, thank you .
A month ago I had my fifth miscarriage, at 18 weeks I had to say goodbye to my boy. But your words have comforted me, and reminds me that he was not mine, I was merely a steward for 18 weeks, the owner has taken what belongs to him. Though I mourn my boy, I am grateful for the time i had him in my womb. He renewed my hope, “life resided again were there was once death”. He was a gift, a gift now in its rightful owner the true father. like you said i let go and cling to the giver not the gift.
Oh how my heart hurts for you and the babies you’ve lost. Keep clinging to the Giver dear sister!
Hi Brittany , I’m so glad God led me to your blog. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage on may 12 of this year. Thank you for writing and being so open and honest. May God bless you and keep you- love in Christ, Charlene
Sweet Britt Lee! How your blog has touched my heart and comforted us as we mourned our baby about one year ago… I wrote on your blog then. (December 2017 “what every Christian should know about miscarriage”)
I wanted to share how my husband and I pray for you in your current pregnancy, and for the Glory of God to be the final outcome. That said, I ran across some information you may find worth researching, only given in love and in dear tenderness at this fragile time….lifting you three up before the throne. Ernest and Tonia, ND
https://www.mommypotamus.com/mthfr-mutation/