I felt them coming. The tears. The ones that had been threatening to flow from my eyes all morning as we prepared to go to the church we were visiting.
It was there, in the corner of the nursery and surrounded by strangers and small children, that the dam broke. The more I fought it, the more the tears streamed down my face.
Honestly, in the moment I couldn’t tell you why I was crying. But now, weeks later, I’ve realized those tears were a declaration.
“It’s not meant to be this way.”
I transitioned into motherhood just months after experiencing one of the most painful conflicts I’ve ever walked through. Then a few months after our son was born, we entered a never-ending pandemic. I don’t think about it much, but it really has stolen a lot. It was a thief of my son entering the nursery at a less anxious age, learning how to sit still at restaurants, and attending more play dates. It made for a harder time as an already anxious mama. And, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I wasn’t supposed to be overwhelmed at the idea of sitting in the nursery with my son. I wasn’t supposed to have to be in there with him at all. He wasn’t supposed to be afraid of me leaving.
And, if I’m honest, we weren’t even supposed to be in this unfamiliar church in the first place. We were supposed to be in the church we loved for so long until we felt we could no longer stay.
All of it hurts. Instead of getting wrapped up in the sadness and injustice of it all, I’m fighting to remember that God is sovereign over all of it. If it’s happening then he has allowed it for my good and his glory. And he’s with me in the hardness of it all. He knew why I cried those tears before I did. He knows why every Sunday is riddled with sadness, anxiety, and trust issues.
Sin has wreaked havoc on all of our lives. It’s true that anxiety, sickness, conflict, and sadness are not how it was supposed to be. We can lament over that. Yet, God is sovereign over these things. So we can also trust him in the midst of them. One day, Jesus will come back and right every wrong.
Sin has stolen much, but Christ will restore it all.
