I laid there, anxiously awaiting the morning and the events to come. Soon, I would put on my button up shirt and comfy shorts, just like they told me. I’d sit in a room with some of the dearest women to my heart, as curls were strategically placed in my hair. I’d rest my eyes as my friend brushed shimmery colors upon my eyelids.
And then, I’d slip on that dress. The one I had longed to wear all my life.
I can’t even begin to explain the load of emotions I felt that night and the next day. If I could sum them up in just one word it would be…redemption.
Hosea’s Wife
Only years before, I could have been named among Gomer and the adulterous woman. I was a slave to sin who lacked the desire for freedom. My body and heart were not places of purity, but rather, tools to get what I wanted; to feel loved–even for just a moment.…
Lately, my Pinterest feed has been flooded with bra-less, stomach-baring, booty short-wearing young women. Pictures neatly pinned to the “My Style” board of so many teens and young-20’s, showing the world what their ideal style is.
And my heart breaks.
Before the Lord saved me, I could have been one of those gals in the pictures. In fact, I was. I’m the first to admit that my clothing choices before Christ were quite promiscuous. This lined up perfectly with my heart that was equally immoral.
The way I dressed displayed what resided in my heart: A deep desire to be noticed, sought out and viewed as “sexy” by men. In a word, sensuality.
And it ruled my heart.
What Rules Your Heart?
The Bible doesn’t have a ton to say about modesty and there definitely aren’t any specific rules. This makes it a hard topic to approach. Since God is sovereign over his Word, he must have done this for a reason.…
Have you ever been scared of your own sin? I’m talking “heart skips a beat, shame fills your head, despair in your stomach” kind of scared. A sinful thought that appears to come out of no man’s land enters your mind, breaks your weak heart, and off you go into a spiral of doubt.
“I’m a Christian, how could I even think of something like that?!”
“What if I’m not saved?”
“What if I do that?!”
I can’t tell you how many times this has been my life story. Pain has gripped my heart when I’ve been confronted with the evil of which I’m capable. And there I sit, wallowing in the guilt of one single thought that wasn’t even pondered. Most of the time, it isn’t even something I’ve ever wanted. But the fact that it came into my mind consumes me from morning until night. A constant nagging in my ear…”I’m disgusting!”…
I haven’t shied away from sharing my failures before Christ saved me and even after. Not in a spirit of boasting but rather in humility, recognizing where I came from. If you’ve been around me for long, you probably know I was held captive to lust and sexual immorality for many years. By God’s grace many of my struggles with sexual sin ended quickly once he placed a new heart in my chest. But there was one besetting sin which seemed so very impossible to conquer.
Lust.
Even as a brand new Christian, I caught on to the fact that this wasn’t something you talk about. At least, that’s the impression I got.
I felt hopeless.
I felt disgusting.
I felt alone.
For many months, I believed the only reason I struggled was because of my promiscuous past. As I journeyed in the faith and began speaking with other women about the issue of lust, I realized I was mistaken.…
There are men other than my Husband who know me deeply. They know about my childhood, my struggles and dreams. I wish I could say I’m talking about my Dad and another Father figure but unfortunately, that isn’t the case. They were my previous boyfriends.
As a teen, I was on a long search to be known. I craved it like Chipotle or ice cream. I needed to be known, to be understood. So, I was pretty much an open book begging to be read by any boy who showed interest. Oh please, let me tell you about all the ways I have been hurt in my life! It made me feel close to them–even if we weren’t physically close.
The problem is, my ex-boyfriends were never meant to have those pieces of my mind. I was never meant to be deeply known by those men. I should have reserved those deeper hurts and fears for my Husband alone (Lucky him!).…
This isn’t the case for everyone. Many couples have fallen into sin, repented and are happily married. But we knew that wouldn’t be the case for us. Like most Christians, we wanted so badly to honor God with our dating and engagement stage. My Husband came from a Christian home and had remained physically pure the entire 27 years of his life before we married. I, on the other hand, had done the exact opposite until the Lord captured my heart when I was 21.
Even coming from such contrasting backgrounds, we both were so very aware of the destruction premarital sex reaps. He, from God’s word and, I, from experience. To be clear, I am speaking of all types of sex, not just the main event. (Can’t believe I just wrote that. Awkward…)
