I haven’t shied away from sharing my failures before Christ saved me and even after. Not in a spirit of boasting but rather in humility, recognizing where I came from. If you’ve been around me for long, you probably know I was held captive to lust and sexual immorality for many years. By God’s grace many of my struggles with sexual sin ended quickly once he placed a new heart in my chest. But there was one besetting sin which seemed so very impossible to conquer.
Lust.
Even as a brand new Christian, I caught on to the fact that this wasn’t something you talk about. At least, that’s the impression I got.
I felt hopeless.
I felt disgusting.
I felt alone.
For many months, I believed the only reason I struggled was because of my promiscuous past. As I journeyed in the faith and began speaking with other women about the issue of lust, I realized I was mistaken. I truly believe nearly all women have wrestled or currently wrestle with lust, porn and all that comes with it. Even women who are happily married.
Thankfully, God didn’t allow this sin to overtake me. I know that it’s only by his grace that I was able to have victory in this area.
I wanted to share some truths he revealed to me and practical steps you can take to have victory over lust.
Take Responsibility
Lust isn’t just a single girl’s problem. It’s an every girl’s problem. Ladies, don’t believe the lie that if you just had a husband all would be well and the draw to sexual sin would be gone.
I believed this for months. I begged the Lord for a husband because I thought marriage would cure my lust issue. Guys, that is just not true. And when we believe this, we are saying to God that he has not given us all we need to obey him. Scripture reveals our faulty thinking.
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, (2 Peter 1:3 ESV)
Furthermore, when we believe marriage will heal our craving for lust, we are accusing God for not providing us with a husband. Said more bluntly, we are blaming God for our sin instead of recognizing that it is our hearts that need changed, not our marital status. God cannot sin.
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:13-15 ESV)
In order to have victory over lust, we must take responsibility for our sin. If we don’t, we will not be able to overcome.
Many married women continued to believe a husband would fix them and have since found out they were wrong.
Know the Truth About Lust
Lust is one of those sins that we secretly believe we can’t beat. It’s draw is strong and it’s lies are sweet to the ears. But any pleasure found in it for a moment, quickly turns sour.
Paul has a lot to say about Christians allowing sin to rule their hearts. And lust is just that..a sin. Nothing bigger, nothing smaller. While sin is a big deal and has the capacity to ruin us, the born again believer has a choice.
You don’t have to sin. Whether the temptation is to lie or to give into sexual sin, you can say no by God’s grace. Read these words slowly and carefully. I don’t want you to miss this:
We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. (Romans 6:6 ESV)
Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. (Romans 6:12-14 ESV)
Do you see the freedom in that, friends? I don’t know if there’s another passage in scripture that draws a bigger “AMEN!” from this girl’s heart! I encourage you to read the whole chapter.
If we are no longer slaves to sin, then we can kill lust. Even when you don’t feel like it, you need to believe the truth that you have a choice.
Flee
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV)
To flee is to bolt or dash. It’s to run away from danger. Sexual sin is dangerous.
When I was tempted, I fled by leaving my home. I would go to a store or a coffee shop. I would call a friend and try to make plans. Anything to keep myself busy until the temptation passed.
Here are some other things you could do:
Go for a run.
Call someone.
Go shopping for gifts for friends just because you love them.
Make your friends something.
There are so many options.
Use God’s Word
Often times, the temptation floods in at night when all is quiet and the stores are closed. You can still get up (even in the middle of the night) and do dishes or clean a room to redirect your mind. Lack of sleep is better than giving into temptation.
The main thing that helped me was reading God’s word. I know, I know. It’s the last thing you want to do when you feel sinful, but it’s what you need. Force yourself to focus in on a book of the bible and pray fervently for help to abstain until the desire to sin passes. Do not allow yourself to wallow in guilt…that’s where Satan wants you. If he can keep you there, you’re more likely to give in.
Sexual desire is a good thing. It is necessary for marriage. Don’t wish it away, but instead ask God to help you control it and bring it under obedience to him. Remember, you can choose to obey, even in this.
It might seem difficult, but with each step toward victory, temptation has less power. Keep your bible on our lap and your mind fixed on the Lord and he will give you grace to fight. He’s not aloof in your struggle. Draw near to him and he will bless you for your obedience.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16 ESV)
Tell Someone
Unfortunately, during my months of fighting lust, I didn’t tell anyone. I thought I was the only one who faced this, and that’s a dangerous place to be.
I encourage you to tell someone if you’re struggling. Opening up to a godly friend who cares for your well-being and walk with the Lord can be just the push you need to overcome lust. It provides accountability and shines a light on the darkness of sin making it less attractive.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:16 ESV)
Don’t try to go it alone, friend.
Lust is not impossible to beat. It is not outside of God’s power and his power lives in you, if you are his.
and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, (Ephesians 1:19-20 ESV)
So choose to fight today. Because you can say no to temptation.
27 Responses
Such good insight. I really appreciate writers who share from their gut and get raw. That’s when you (and me) reach the most people. Blessings to you, sister!
Totally agree! Thanks for reading!
You provided scripture along with practical actions that are sure to help any young lady under the influence of sexual sin. Thank you for your encouragement and openness.
Thank you for reading! I truly hope God will use these things to help women.
thank you , for this!
I am also a married woman, and I want to know more about your opinion on lust in a marriage. I feel like you alluded that sexual desire for your husband can also be lustful, and I’m not sure how that can be. Could you better define safe sexual desire vs. lust within the frame of a marriage?
Thanks for reading and asking this question! I was definitely not trying to say that sexual desire in marriage is a bad thing. Which is why I wrote this:
“Sexual desire is a good thing. It is necessary for marriage. Don’t wish it away, but instead ask God to help you control it and bring it under obedience to him. Remember, you can choose to obey, even in this.”
It is a great thing to have sexual desire for your husband and to even think about him sexually. This article was intended to point out truths and give hope to both married and single women who are struggling in other ways (i.e. porn, masturbation). Many women think their draw to this type of sin will go away once they’re married and yet that isn’t the case. I’m very sorry for the confusion and hope this clears things up!
Oh, I see. I didn’t realize you meant viewing porn and/or masturbatory sessions, specifically. What do you mean by “necessary for marriage”? As in, to make children? I asked my question because the part you quoted is actually one of the things that confused me. You said sexual desire is necessary then that it should not be wished away, but tempered. In what way do you mean to control your sexual desire for your husband? And how is that obeying the Lord? Or is that not what you mean?
Thanks for responding. I am not trying to be argumentative at all, I just want to create a dialogue. I appreciate your time.
I was trying to be discreet for the sake of possible younger audiences who may read my blog. Although, I did mention “Porn and all that comes with it”. I apologize that it wasn’t clear. I’m not positive as to what you’re trying to ask as a whole but will try to tackle your questions.
I believe that we were all created with sexual desires but that they are not something to be acted on outside of the context of marriage. This means we are to abstain from all God deems as sexual immorality which includes what we’re talking about here and of course all other forms of sex outside of marriage. I also believe this includes looking at men with lust who are not our husbands since Jesus calls this adultery of the heart in Matthew 5:27-28. I was stating that until we are married we need to bring our sexual desire under obedience to God by not acting on these things. (And I would also state that married women and men should not take part in porn or masturbation either. Both of these are selfish activities.) We are obeying the Lord by not giving into the many temptations of lust. I said it was necessary because many women wish they didn’t have the sexual desires we were created with but if they ever do want to get married they are important aspects of it for yes, child bearing but also because it’s a beautiful aspect of the covenant of marriage. I hope this answers you questions. I encourage you to read it again and hope it will make more sense. Thanks!
Curious, I get the confusion between lust and marital desire. I wrote an article about the destructive games we can play in our minds—married or single. I hope it helps clear things up a little. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/09/break-up-with-your-imaginary-boyfriend/
Thank you for opening up on a hard topic that thrives so much in the dark. I love the rock solid Biblical truths shared and the coinciding hope-filled promises. SO GOOD!
Thank you for reading! I agree, it is definitely a topic that is rampant and yet hidden in the dark.
Thank you for your transparency. This is certainly a topic we don’t talk about much, and the enemy uses that secrecy to shame us and defeat us. You are a truth-telling champion, my friend!
Totally agree. Satan wants it to be secret because he knows when light is shone on darkness it is exposed and freedom can be grasped. Thank you for reading!
Guide me
Thanks for this. It was really nice of you and very encouraging. Especially on how to handle lust.
Of course! There aren’t many resources out there for women.
Brittany, I would like to have a private chat with you, if its okay I need help concerning this subject I need someone to talk to
Thanks for this write up, I also thought husband would be the way out. Now what can be done to abstain from premarital sex? especially with someone in a love relationship. Before my boyfriend and I started dating we agreed on no sex, but it’s seem hard to keep up with, We like spending time together in our free time, his presence and body triggers my hormones and verse versa. My resolve is to quit the relationship so I can have peace of mind.
Wow! This was a really informative and great post/blog. I am 16 years old and from the age of 11 to 15 I struggled with pornography and masturbation. It was toxic. It brought a lot of shame and guilt and it wasn’t good for my spiritual health. Currently I’m not involved in any of that but I still get sexual tendencies and feelings. I’m also single. I often watch inappropriate videos of boys to temporarily fill a loneliness void for me. Nothing like porn or anything, just cute boys doing what cute boys do. I know it’s wrong but I’m trying to fill that void without crossing the line of masturbating or watching porn. Just finding a short cut I guess. What I’m asking is for advice to deal with loneliness and or sexual desire as a single/unmarried girl. I’m also a strong believer in waiting till marriage so that makes it harder. It’s hard to have a desire for sex when I can’t have sex till I’m married.. ya know? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
‘…there are not many resources out there for women…’ Are you kidding? The internet is teeming with Christian sexual advice for women, avoiding pre-marital shenanigins, dealing with sexual urges, keeping it under wraps until the wedding night, the lot. You don’t have to look very far.
What use is sexual desire to someone who never gets married? For some it’s not about ‘waiting for a season’ ( I really don’t like the word season used like this). For some, it’s not a season, it’s permanemt. There is sometimes a need to ask God to remove this desire, just to gain peace. Months? How about forever?
Can you Pray for me..I keep going in circles with this lust and desire and passion to the point where I’m ashamed to even mention the things that pop into my head sometimes..then I start feeling bad about myself and then eventually accept the thought that I’m never gonna change..or why god won’t just take it away if he knows I need him to..I just dont know what to think anymore..all I know is I cant do this no more..I amount Overwhelmed and feel stuck..what’s wrong with me
Thank you so much for writing this. As a single woman, I have privately struggled with porn before I knew Christ and lust for people in my life after becoming a believer. Oftentimes I have felt very lonely in my struggles. I’m still struggling, even just to differentiate my feelings of lust with real attraction to a personality. Although I have prayed to God for forgiveness, deliverance and strength, it’s hard to know who I can trust and confess to. Anyway, thanks for the perspective and Biblical insight. It has truly given me hope.
@Duffy, That’s a great question! Sam Alberry has some helpful thoughts on that question in his book, 7 Myths About Singleness. I would highly recommend it!
You are equating a Godly desire with lust, and that’s totally unfair.
Single people don’t just list because they aren’t yet pure enough like you sound like you think you are. Single people sometimes just want a husband because even God says ‘it’s better to marry than to burn with passion’.
It doesn’t say ‘it’s better to marry than to burn with passion BUT that won’t necessarily fix your list problem’.
Why do married women and other judgemental single people (who are probably soon to be married, that’s why they feel justified in looking down on single people who struggle), feel the need to assume what single people’s sexual desire means.
It’s very simple. We want to have sex IN marriage, otherwise we’d be out sleeping either everyone, so clearly we are patient and trusting- even though married people don’t want to give us the credit for that. God said that we can get married because of this passion.
So why is it assume that we believe marriage fixes lust. Are we seen as that stupid. Why is it so hard for married women to believe that single women just desire Godly sex in marriage and that waiting for that is HARD.
Not because we’re listing and causing ourselves problems because we’re so sinful as single people (that’s why married people assumed we’re still single- because we’re not as Holy otherwise God would have given us a spouse so we must be single because we’re ‘not ready’ even though God doesn’t require readiness for marriage or Being ‘Holy’ enough, for a blessing- none of us earn or deserve blessings so single people don’t need to meet married women’s requirements for marriage).
I digress, we struggle because waiting is difficult, not because we’re making it difficult with our sin.
Clearly you no longer understand what that’s like. Married people love to talk about ‘when they WERE single’.
Well you aren’t anymore, so please stop speaking for us and speaking down to us. You lecture us about things that don’t apply, and then get to go have sex
Easy for you to say, if we just ‘chose’ not to sin then we won’t struggle. Well that doesn’t fix the Godly desire for marriage does it??
Because it doesn’t need to be fixed. We just want what God said is good.
You don’t need to belittle that desire by saying that it’s wouldn’t be so strong unless it was lust. It’s not. it’s desire. And it’s hard.
And if it was as easy as you are pretending it is, then none of us would struggle.
Just because we’re single and seen as less spiritually mature, it doesn’t mean it didn’t occur to us to ask God to help us. We did.
We know. Don’t assume that we don’t know what you do, just because you got married.
Why don’t married people let other single actually speak to other single people. Instead of pretending to understand.
It’s easy to say when you’re married, how it is in the other side. Because you’re assuming that struggling in singleness is a patience problem but it’s not. It’s not “when will I get married’, it’s ‘I might never get married and always struggle with desire’.
That’s not easy. And I’ve asked for help so I don’t need to patronisingly be told by someone who gets to have as much sex as she wants and beautiful babies. You don’t understand anymore. You aren’t single.
And even if the problem was lust, you’re still belittling it.
No one said anything about God causing us to lust or giving us temptation we can’t handle. He told us we can marry because of our passion.
Maybe you’re projecting your lust onto us. Not all of us will still struggle with lust in marriage.
Some of us will be fine because we only desire a husband. Just because that didn’t apply to you doesn’t mean you need to generalise and suggest that we’re making accusations against God.
You included scripture but your point isn’t accurate so anyone can make an unfair point and prove it with scripture.
Convenient that you omitted scripture about how God instructs us to marry if we burn with passion.
Because for some of us singles, a husband will fix our desire. Not lust. Desire, because we desire a husband so obviously having one and finally being able to have sex God’s way, will quench that.
Don’t know why that’s such a difficult thing for married people to agree with.
We don’t have unrealistic expectations. We’re talking about the different between having ZERO sexual outlet and actually having the Godly outlet that is marriage.
And you think that’s the same as expecting lust to go away after marriage. No, what we’re expecting it to have an outlet.
That’s exactly what marriage is. An outlet for Godly sexual desire.
Other married women will agree with you because they think single women are just lustful, they can’t understand that it’s Godly desire that will be fulfilled in marriage because that’s what marriage is for.
God never said get over your lust, he said get married.
So let us want marriage without lecturing us on what our desires mean. You don’t know. They’re our desires.