I called my boyfriend over and over again until he finally picked up by accident.
At first, I wasn’t sure what I was hearing. Just muffled voices stuffed in his pocket.
Then I heard her voice saying, “Did she hear us?!” followed by a quick disconnect.
My whole body went numb and my heart beat so fast I was instantly nauseous. Breathing became nearly impossible and shock was like a physical barrier to the tears that begged to flow.
He’s cheating on me.
I’d spent that evening working as a model, posing while my photograph was taken. I felt “sexy” and wanted. The culture told me this was who I needed to become in order to be fully desired by men. If I couldn’t stop my boyfriend from looking at porn, I needed to join him by dressing, acting and looking like one of those women. I was a model, surely I was enough for him now.
No, at that moment, when I heard her voice, it was crystal clear that I indeed was not enough.
I had given him everything. I had become anyone he desired. I did my best to conform to whatever image it was that he craved. And I still wasn’t enough.
No matter how I morphed and changed, I would never be enough.
And I’m not supposed to be.
I was not made to satisfy every longing of any man. Likewise, a man is not supposed to quench all my longings.
The reason I wasn’t enough was because humans were never created to be enough for other humans. If we find our all in another person, we most definitely have a wrong view of their importance. We have placed them in the place that only God should inhabit.
A willingness to forsake our true identity as daughters of God to become an image our boyfriend requests, is a sure sign of idolatry.
Even in marriage, we are often tempted to want to become our husband’s entire world. We’d rather he spend time with us than time with God. We want to captivate his mind. If we loved him in the true sense of the word, we would long for him to become closer with the Lord and for his thoughts to be captured by Christ.
Masked as insecurity, truly it’s pride that drives this desire to be all a man needs. You can trace it back to the fall where Eve first received the consequence of her sin.
“Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16b ESV)
There are many aspects of this curse which all women have received. One of them being a desire to control men, especially our husbands. If we are enough for them; if we captivate their thoughts fully, we are in control of them.
Stated bluntly, we want to be their God.
And in this endeavor, they become ours.
Seek the True God
When we put anything in the place of God in our lives, whether it’s men, things or our own desire for omnipotence, there will be destruction and pain.
I have to wonder if the night I was cheated on would have happened had I been a believing woman, seeking after God. Would I have made myself an object of lust that night? Would I have spent all that time to become a woman of the world for that guy? Would I have even been dating him?
Probably not. Had my eyes been opened to the beauty and truth of God found in his Word, my life would have looked strikingly different. Like it thankfully does today.
This is why I share the darkness of my life before Christ. Because there are women roaming the earth whose identities are wrapped up in men. They worship how they make them feel and the attention they receive from them. They want to be every woman to them. And if not stopped in their tracks, this idol will destroy their souls.
Let my life be an example to you of not only where sin can lead, but also what grace can restore.
Our God is the only God. He alone is worthy of our undivided worship. Your life; your identity is hidden in Christ, not in men or anything else (Colossians 3:3).
For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God. (Psalm 86:10 ESV)
One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. (Psalm 27:4 ESV)