I held the pregnancy test in my hand and examined it closely. Could there be a faint line? Oh Lord, please let there be a faint line. There wasn’t. It was negative. No baby had taken root in my womb and those supposed symptoms proved to be simply taunting me, giving me false hope that life had begun to flourish where I’d only seen it die.
The day before, my best friend had announced that she was finally pregnant. As I genuinely rejoiced over the little one in her womb, I took my place as the only woman in my church without living children. This negative pregnancy test nearly broke me.
I tread lightly in taking upon myself the term “infertile.” Not because of the shame sometimes attached to it, but because there’s a different set of painful circumstances that a woman struggling to conceive faces. I don’t claim to understand that deep pain.
Infertility is defined in some places as the inability to become pregnant or carry a pregnancy to full term. Some women may struggle with infertility for a shorter time, while others may never see a positive test or a pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.
As a woman who has lost two babies and is still empty armed nearly a year later, I want to share this truth on “Infertility Loss Week”in hopes to encourage other women in the thick of this suffering: God sees. God hears. God cares.
The God Who Sees Your Pain
Countless women across the world stare with tear blinded eyes at negative tests month after month. And though many times their sorrow is unseen by the world, God sees, and he hears their cries.
The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:15, 18 ESV)
And he sees you. He sees you weeping upon your bed, hands glued to the sheets, knees pulled close to your heart. He can distinguish your tears from the droplets on your cheeks in the shower. His grace is there when you struggle against envy and despair. He’s there when you fight to rejoice through each second, minute, hour, day.
He is the Comforter who truly feels our pain and the full weight of our burden. He’s our Sustainer who lifts our eyes, puts each foot forward and gives us strength to carry on—to prove faithful suffering. He’s our Defender who fights for us, and our steadfast Father who holds our right hand through the valley.
No one can peer into your heart and fully understand what you’re facing. But God can.
He knows; he sees. And he’s here. Cling to him.
You fill their womb with treasure;
they are satisfied with children,
and they leave their abundance to their infants.
As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. (Psalm 17:14b-15 ESV)