Godly Men Aren’t Looking for Debt-Free Virgins

Godly Men Aren’t Looking for Debt-Free Virgins

Clearly, I’m not the first person to address the viral article “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins Without Tattoos.” And I won’t be the last, I’m sure. My purpose in writing this article is not to top any of the other rebuttals or to fully break down the ridiculous statements Mrs Alexander has made. I could write many words exposing how she has elevated marriage to be the highest goal for a woman, completely disregarding single women. I could spend a whole blog post on her comment about the need for our husbands to explain the Bible to us, as if women don’t have the capacity to understand deep theology. And I could thoroughly address her twisted view of complementarianism, her legalism and how she darkens the beauty of the gospel with it.

But I want to focus in on something I’ve found missing in the conversation: Godly men aren’t looking for tattoo-less, debt-free virgins.

Strive for Purity to Honor God

I won’t spend a whole lot of time on all the requirements Mrs Alexander listed. Being debt-free is a great goal but her argument was rooted in legalism as well as her thoughts on tattoos. God does however command us to be sexually pure, yet there’s something off about the way she approaches that topic as well.

The goal of life for women is not to find a husband, but to glorify the God who made us. We don’t strive for purity and holiness in order to win over the affection of a man. If a gal withholds from engaging in sexual activity until marriage for any reason other than honoring God with her sexuality, she is a Pharisee. And if she did so to get a guy, she has become idolatrous. Read Hosea six and you’ll find God terms people who have idolatry in their hearts as “whores.” You see, whether we’ve strayed within our minds, or have been physically promiscuous, we’ve all been unfaithful to a holy God. We have all “played the whore.” (Hosea 4:12)

Only through Christ does our righteousness come. And Christ alone should be the reason for our purity.

A Godly Man Wants a Godly Woman

What do truly godly men want? A godly woman with virginity intact who doesn’t have debt or tattoos. Obviously.

NO. Just no.

A man who is truly seeking the Lord will desire a woman who loves God above all, regardless of her past or bank statement. Here’s why:

Godly men humbly recognize the amazing grace they have received from a good God. A man like that will look at you (even upon knowing the sin in your past) and see Christ in you. He recognizes that his standing before God is in no way greater than anyone else. He knows that it is by God’s grace alone that he stands at all. He understands forgiveness and redemption. (Ephesians 1:7)

Unfortunately, there are men who will shame you for your past mistakes. Men like that do not understand the grace of God. And that’s heart breaking, because this means he is blind to the gravity of his own sin before a holy God. Without the knowledge of our total depravity as humans, we cannot fully comprehend the glorious grace which has been placed upon us. And following that logic, we scarcely find it easy to offer the same grace to those who have traveled a darker path. Men like this are not Christ-like. Their actions are graceless and their minds hold an elevated view of themselves.

If you have a sexual past (like me), please know, if you have repented and trusted in Christ alone to save you, you are a new creation! You are no longer that girl. You have been cleansed by the precious blood of the Lamb, my friend! (1 John 1:7; Revelation 7:14)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV)

Jesus and His Bride

The night I shared the promiscuity of my past with my now husband, I expected him to dump me. I had never hid the fact that I had a past before Jesus saved me, but this was the first real conversation about it. I awaited his disappointment and the shame I was sure to bear. But instead, my sweet godly husband, who was a virgin said to me, “You are a new creation. When I look at you I see the righteousness of Christ.” Insert my obnoxious sobs.

He had honored God with his sexuality and I had given mine over to the idol of male affection. But I was forgiven. And how could he hold something against me that God had washed away? He took on my burden of a sinful and sexually broken past when he took my hand in marriage. Sound familiar?

Jesus sought his Bride, the Church, even in our imperfections and sin. (Titus 3:5)  He carried our burdens and took on our shame. (Isaiah 53:4-5) And on the day we turned to him for salvation, he declared us pure; redeemed by his blood. (Colossians 1:14)

A godly man will follow Christ in how he seeks a bride. He won’t look for a woman according to her virginity status; he’ll search out her heart for signs of redemption that make his heart soar. He’ll look for Christ in her.

Ladies, this is what true godly men want. But seek Christ because he is better than a godly man. He is the greatest treasure and his worth far exceeds a husband.

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  • Ross L Silburn

    Hi Brittany, you are a young woman far beyond her years in wisdom, Ross

  • Brittany Allen

    That is so kind Ross. Thank you!

  • Kit

    So well spoken, as always. I loved reading your response from your husband when you first shared your past. What a blessing to have a man like that— and what a blessing for him to have you see him in that light. I pray that I would be even slightly as encouraging of a wife as you seem to be!

    Thank You for Brittany, Lord. I am sure she doesn’t have any idea how many women she encourages through her boldness to speak truthfully. What a valuable member of the body of Christ— someone gifted to encourage without swaying from the truth. May You continue to grow her in this area, for Your glory.
    But Father, I lift this sweet woman up to You tonight after hearing of her loss of another precious child. I pray for her marriage through this heartache— that she and her husband would be surrounded by the sensitive and understanding people that they need to now be encouraged by. I pray they would not feel alone, Lord. I thank You for each of these three precious babies You created. Each of them— a blessing from You. We don’t understand Your ways, Lord. We don’t understand why they were taken away, and my heart just truly mourns with Brittany and James. I pray for Your comfort, however that might look. You are good, even in the midst of devastation. May we never lose sight of that truth. May Brittany and James’ faith not waver— through this, and through every step of their life. Amen.

  • Ann

    I was like you! but with a twist…I cheated on my husband with a woman and ended up living as a lesbian for over 12 years…but eventually my world came crashing down and I found myself on my knees and asking God to forgive me and make me new…and now I am like you…Redeemed and Forgiven!! Your blog was spot on and more women and women need to have their eyes open to what God really wants and how to give Him glory through everything we do…including our relationships!

  • chalres

    How many men did you interview to come to your conclusions? In general, men WOULD prefer their wife be a virgin, have no debt and no tattoos. I am guessing that women, if they are Christians, would want the same thing.

  • Wayne


    Yeah I stumbled on this article, and as a young man I would highly prefer my wife be a virgin to the point of it being a deal breaker. I only want to share that experience with my wife as a couple. Normally it’s the women and men who have had premarital sex that try to browbeat people into thinking it’s wrong to find them unattractive because of the decisions they made. I believe it might be part of the reason the church is 60/40 female to male as pastors cater sermons to their female audience who seem to have a tendency to have colorful pasts among other systemic issues…

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