Pregnancy After Loss: Deep Love, Deep Fear and the God of Peace
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. (Psalm 56:3 ESV)
The sum of prayers whispered to heaven asking God to sustain our baby boy’s life are innumerable to my little mind. I can’t even begin to count them. It started from the moment I knew another child had taken root in my womb. Faithfully, my lips repeat it during every morning prayer, bathroom break, mealtime blessing, bedtime thanksgiving, and many moments in between. Many times, it’s followed by a heart that pleads, “I trust you, Lord. Help me trust you.”
The more his tiny body moves across my hand from within as if to say “hello mama,” the more I’m simultaneously confronted with two thoughts: 1. I love this little boy so much my heart could explode. 2. Oh, how it would hurt to lose him now.
Deep love + deep fear.
Pregnancy after losing three unborn babies for me has been filled with peace that truly surpasses understanding, but also fear that tries to wrap its arms around my heart. I’m thankful it’s mostly been a peaceful journey where God’s grace enables me to face each day with my mind fixed on his never-changing faithfulness. Reminders fill my mind that even if my greatest fear comes to pass, he is the unchanging Rock on which I stand. He doesn’t shift like the fragile sands of life in the womb. Truly, he’s the Ancient of Days. I can trust him with all of mine.
So I continue, moment by moment, choosing to lay this child before him, knowing I’m but a steward anyway. God has numbered his days. I pray fervently that they’re many. I pray I’ll get to hold our baby Theodore in my arms and not just my heart. That I’ll get to watch my sweet husband live out his fatherhood. I long for the day when we get to kiss his little face and hold his tiny hand. Yet I know we’re not promised any of this.
So while I treasure this beautiful gift, I’ll cling to the Giver. He’s the true Treasure; and he is mine. When I’m afraid, I will put my trust in him.
He is worthy. He is good.