This article was originally published at Whole Magazine as part of their Attributes of God series.

We spend our lives wondering, don’t we? “I wonder if I’ll get the job.” “I wonder if I’ll get married.” “I wonder why this is happening.“

It’s natural. We long for answers—for knowledge of things past, present, and future. In a world where Google is our nerdy best friend, we’re tempted to become frustrated by our lack of understanding, or worse, we might even become despairing. Our sinful nature causes us to long for the perfect knowledge that isn’t attainable for the human mind. But even if our “why’s and what if’s” go unanswered, we have a trustworthy God who holds the answers in his hands. 

God Knows All Things

Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord,
    or what man shows him his counsel?
Whom did he consult,
    and who made him understand?

I wanted to share an update but felt unsure of how. The typical “Baby Allen coming soon!” announcement just isn’t within our reach. We hope the above statement is true, but only God knows. So, this is the best way I found to say…we’re pregnant again.

I was hesitant to share this. I feared what people would think of my decision to announce our fourth pregnancy to the world so early, given our struggles with miscarriages. “They’ll think I’m presumptuous or just plain stupid. What if I miscarry the day after I share the news? Then I’ll be so embarrassed!” Most people would advise me to keep quiet, reminding me the world doesn’t need to know. But I feel this urgency to push past the discomfort.

If I’ve learned anything in this season, it’s that pregnancy isn’t really about me anyway. It’s not about 9 months of pampering and getting everything I want, it’s not about receiving my ticket to the mom club, or the attention you get from virtually everyone—strangers included.…

I was restless. Many thoughts bouncing from one side of my head to the other, colliding and creating more thoughts. Silently, I watched the Black-Capped Chickadees dash across the yard into the white spruce right outside the window, their quickness mimicking the questions and fears racing through my mind.

How do you keep bringing your broken heart before the God who allowed it to be shattered?

That’s what I found myself wondering. It just seems easier to keep our distance and bury our longings in the tomb with all that’s been lost.

The Idol of Self-Protection

Praying for things we desire comes naturally for many people but for me, it’s a struggle. I fear my heart’s quick reaction to such prayers—how it turns my requests into idols. I don’t want to desire the created thing more than the Creator, so I don’t ask. But in not taking my supplications to him, I keep back a part of my heart from him, and therefore, provide fresh soil for the roots of another idol to deepen.…